last point. first point.

it always it is, isn't it?

not until the last drop,
the last light of day,
the last packed luggage,
the last breath,

that everything starts to show up.

that every nuts and bolts would eventually work even without your anger,
that the chair rocks slightly when you cheer,
that the vanilla sky still looks better even without your glasses,
that the breeze is never sweeter than this,
that the flowers shines more than ever,
that the tree is caressing you while you sit underneath his leaves.

not until near it, that you would realized,
that this is the last,

but, these last realization,
is it made to make you feel guilty about abandoning it the whole time?

perhaps not.
perhaps it is made for you to smile and thank that even when you're blind to it
the sweetness is always there,

and you have had a great time.


the answer

I'm in trouble, and you're in trouble

oh, won't you save my soul tonight?

{stereophonics - trouble}

I'm not seeking for it. but my brain won't agree with me.  
apparently he keeps searching for the answer, for anything. 
for what am I doing here, thousand kilometres from home.
for am I really ever have a home anyway.

watching other people having life seems to illogically depressed me. even if that's the lives I know I don't want. 
and he told me then why. 
it's jealousy, he said. 
I laugh at him. completely disagreed. 

then, can you really tell me why?

okay, maybe not completely disagreed. 
but I still disagree. 
maybe there's some jealousy in it. 
but the real reason is..


he laughed at me then.
but he didn't disagree with it. 

so, since when you stop being excited to life?

I don't know what I want to do, but I know what I don't want to do.
I read about risk too much. 
I believe about risk too much. 
the 2009 taught me being stoic is better than pain. 

self centered bitch. 

I grow old, but seems won't grow up. 
took me great pain, made me hurt people, in the process of underlining this point.
I'm no saint. not trying to become evil too.
I'm no success, but try my best not to moan about this to everyone.

maybe I'll take anything people said to me. 
though that doesn't mean I'll trust them.

self centered.


maybe it's like Duran Duran's Blame The Machines, maybe the medicines are the ones I should blame, maybe I'm just tired, maybe boredom, maybe I'm trying to run from something, maybe I need to discuss it with Stephen Fry.