careless sunday smile

most of my friends must've already tired hearing me babbling about the greatness of Beirut, Zachary Condon especially. Yes, couple years ago I was heavily infatuated with him. Not the heaviest, but definitely the longest infatuation period I ever had..

it was years ago, so why bring this up again?
I blame it to Vincent Moon. Couple hours ago he tweeted a link (the picture is taken from the aforementioned link), apparently someone has posted a FULL COMPLETE Cheap Magic Inside video on YouTube. Cheap Magic Inside was a project by Vincent Moon and Chryde, filming the band Beirut, basically playing all the tracks from the album Flying Club Cup while wandered around the Brooklyn area.
it is raw, beautiful, amazing, captivating.

the feelings I have to Zach Condon is a paradox, actually. a Love-Hate thing.
Yes, I'm amazed by his music, his voice takes my breath away, his lyrics brings the deepest melancholy feeling I have, and so on. But more than that, I envy him. ENVY. ANNOYED. It's his history, his luck, his courage.
He dropped out of high school at age 17, maybe basically no longer got interested. Although he attended community college, but only for a short period before he decided to took off to Europe, travelling with his elder brother. I hate the fact that at an age so young he got enough balls to take a risk so huge like that. Not to mention, he's just 10 months older than me.
$#%^&*!

it's that reality that it could've been me, but it's not.
the fact that at that same age, once, I did have the same curiosity, but didn't have enough courage.




..oh well.
it's useless to whine about it, of course.
Each men have his/her own path.

I'll just enjoy this (love-hate feelings).

maybe later

considering  my age, surely I supposed to be working by now. Days of not doing anything supposed has been over months ago. My days supposed to be filled with moaning, whining, and complaining about works, deadlines, bosses, and normally: men. (for the last 2 days I already got 4 wedding invitations, and one of it from my junior.)

but what am I doing now? none of that above. Still awfully unemployed.
The fact that I can't go more than 60 kms from the house just made the job apps fewer.
but does it really a problem?
I'm amazed and dumbfounded with all that invitations, but does it made me stress?

not really.

Epilepsy is one of the thing to be blame to this unemployment.
I still can't control the attacks, and I'm not that cruel to let people I love worrying about me all the time.
Recently, the doctors changed my meds.
and that practically ruins a lot.

This Keppra thing, apparently got some side effects to me.
You probably noticed it from this post. The mess.
for the last 2 weeks it gave me vertigo, drowsiness, stupidity, depressions, complex partial seizures, absences, awful concentrations and coordination (yes, even a lot more awful than before, imagine that)

I got three NGO job applications waiting. (and more non-NGO job apps)
But given this conditions, I don't think I can handle anything yet.
That's why this patheticness (is that even a word?) doesn't really bother me.

maybe later,
maybe better.
and meanwhile, I'm enjoying my latest infatuations :))

nah, all these optimisms is me talking, not the meds side effects. 

The infatuations? the meds. definitely the meds.

*cough*

 picture source

What You Would Miss

it's the bluest of the bluest sky.
it's the smell of the coffee in the morning, alongside with cups and cups and cups of tea.
it's the sound of me diligently sneezing in the morning.
and the quarrel between me and your grandpa.
(he believes morning sunshine would stop the sneezing.. while it just making it worse!)

it's the opening and closing of the refrigerator door.
it's the clicking on the tv remote control.
all without purpose though, just a habit we can't get rid off.

it's tonnes of books I would make you read.
it's tonnes of tunes I would make you listen.
all from the time before you were born,
even some from the time before I were born.

it's the breeze in the mountain.
it's the breeze in the sea.
it's the sands, the waves, the rocks, the buildings
the trees, the flowers, the cold, the heat.
all the places I would love to take you.

it's that loud of a storm.
it's that seconds we'd count between lightning and thunder.
it's that drops pattering in your windows.
it's that scent before it rains.
it's that scent after it gone.

it's that people you would like.
it's that people we would hate.
all the amazing people you would meet.
your mom and your dad, especially .

it's the grins, smirks, smiles.
but mostly, the laughs.

these all, are the things you would never know.
it's okay, though.
because despite of it all, there are also many other things
we're glad that you never know.
the mean things, the bad things, the sad things.

yet really, for me, right know, at the moment,
the saddest thing of it all is the fact that I would never know you.
when I already deeply falling in love with you,
my dearest darling niece..